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A SELECTION OF JOKES FROM PAST ISSUES
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Last updated on
Wednesday November 12, 2008
One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers: "What does it mean to be British?" Some of the emails are hilarious but this is one from a chap in Switzerland ...
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture & watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign."
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right..
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...
"Bastards won't let me fart."
Sign In a pet shop window:
"Free legless parakeet. No perches necessary."
During a weekly church meeting, a friend of mine was scheduled to read a list of people who had asked to be included in the congregation's prayers.
Since another church member, Bonnie, had mentioned that she and her husband were struggling with a big decision on whether they should become missionaries, my friend offered to include them on the prayer list.
So at the meeting, my friend announced in front of the whole congregation, "Let's all pray that Bonnie and Lee can make a decision about the missionary position."
Applied excessively, styling gel could cause you to have a hair-raising experience.
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.
Some doctor on teleivision this morning said that the way to achieve Inner Peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So, I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.
Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel.
Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pece.
If a man's wife is his better half, and he marries twice, what then becomes of him?
Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.
So I got home, and the phone was ringing, I picked it up, and said: "Who's speaking please?"
And a voice said: "You are."
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